Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Trident and Sian Jones

It started with a helpless musician being drenched in the contents of a can of coke. It has now become a matter of national concern since the young woman who started the controversy took matters a step further. It seems that Sian Jones, a young woman from Birmingham, somehow got hold of Trident. How this occurred, we do not know, but the government released this statement yesterday through the Justice Secretary:
“Sian Jones has taken trident. This is a bad thing for Britain. A bad thing; and Her Majesty’s Government take a dim view of thievery on the scale of Guy Fawkes. Whilst Her Majesty’s Government cannot have this young woman publicly hung, drawn and quartered, we do assure the general public, who, unlike this mad fiend, actually have a grain of sense in their heads, that the Trident is now safe. Where it is at this moment in time, we do not actually know.”

Sian Jones has shocked neighbours and friends, who describe her as “mentally stable and friendly” by taking Trident on board a Boeing 777 for the purposes of setting it off whilst in the air, pinpointing the house of the young man who so outraged her by declaring Dr Pepper a better choice than Coke. This has shocked the world, with avid TV viewers dubbing it “The crime of the week”. The young man who was the prospective victim of this most recent attack is appearing on a special edition of Crime Watch tonight where he will attempt to explain this bizarre turn of events.
Meanwhile, Sian Jones has been banned from going anywhere near any shop which she would reasonably know sells either Coke or Dr Pepper. Her sobbing pleas were ignored by the stone-hearted judge. She has also been banned from travelling any other way than walking. She has now become a recluse, restricts her walks to her back garden and has her meals delivered through a postal service.

Thursday, 13 January 2011


A small house in the outskirts of Preston has been rocked by claims that humans have, in fact, come from a small fish that started out as a mass of magnets and eventually turned into a being that has been described by experts as “the missing link”.

Cameron Robinsticklewade, a young entrepreneur, has claimed to have had a vision of how this world, as we know it, came about. He claims that a previously unknown substance, frightliasticallymagnetsical, was so vastly attracted to a lump of magnets that it burst into thousands of pieces, creating a form of sub life, known by the name of wyum buywlz, and was the first beginnings of what was finally to end up as human beings as we know them.

However, an unknown hitch caused the fish to leave the water and go to land. The fish evolved over millions of years into what Mr. Robinsticklewade is calling a Hyposyteothi, a half zebra, half human form, that over the millions of incredibly boring years that followed, managed to somehow grow human ears and learn to talk. Over the next few millions of years of re-production, these Hyposyteothi gradually became the humans that we see walking and talking around us today.

British ethologist and evolutionary biologist, Ricky Dawkers, welcomes these suggestions and says that the British public are needing something new to believe in, apart from the trash which was churned out by Charles Darwin. Whilst these words may surprise some avid Dawkers fans, Dawkers himself believes that the views of Darwin are so ludicrous and old fashioned, that something new would be great to feed to the idiotic British public. In case our news readers are offended by these statements made by Mr. Dawkers, the aforesaid would like to remind you that he is, in fact, no angel.

Mr. John Hodgson, who resides in the house where these claims were made and is a deeply religious man, is said to have retreated to his attic to try and get away from the shame of having such disgusting slurs said about him under his roof. He seems to take the reference to fish rather personally. His wife is, understandably, distraught, and is consulting doctors from London who specialize in working with recluses.

Meanwhile, the inventor of these claims, Mr. Robinsticklewade, is enjoying his new found fame. He says the idea first came to him when he was a small boy, visiting the local sea world. It is possible that this fateful visit he speaks of with such lightness, has been the means of rocking the scientific world and ruining a perfectly good man’s social life.